I'm Not OK (Again) (Still)

If you want to run in the morning before class, you have to get up pretty early. If you want to run, take a 3 minute shower and eat...well you have to get up that much earlier. Since I prefer not to stink all day (also I love my food) I get up pretty early.

During the spring and fall I run outside, but it is WAY to dark out to go run, so I run on the treadmills in the P&E Barn. Not a lot of other people run, so normally I am alone.

It's kind of funny. I have never seen a 8th grader or Freshman. It's mostly Juniors and Seniors. I have only seen  two Sophomores who show up everyday: Alec and Will. He is the one that got stabbed with a pencil. Surprisingly, he was a really good sport about the whole video thing. He jokes about it making him famous and if they were allowed to  post it to Youtube he would be a internet celebrity! In fact he joke about a lot of things. 

Anyway, I got up extra early to go run, in hopes that  I could have the barn to myself. Even though it's Saturday, and we don't have class, I still wanted to work. force of habit and all. Also Alice is putting on a Movie Marathon and if I'm going to sit on my butt all day I should go the extra mile. 

I didn't get the whole barn to myself in case your wondering. There was a random senior. We both joked about our hopes of quiet being crushed and then silently got to work. Every once and awhile we would jokingly call out and ask if the other was finished. Can I have the barn to myself now? 

 I saw Alec was coming. Ok, I'm sorry, but it's so awkward around him. 

While I'm pretty good at hiding my feelings, but he's seen me at my worst. I'd been avoiding him. I didn't need his concern. I didn't want to remind him of how cracked  I felt then.

Luckily the senior dude is here. So it's not weird.

Then the senior left. 

Crap

For awhile we ran in silence. 

Then he asked

"Hey are you ok?" 

Am I ok? My parents are still gone. I still have all the other problems I had earlier. I just have them under control better. 

Plus I am alone with Alec. 

"What makes you think I'm not ok?" 

"Your acting like you were earlier." 

I grabbed my towel off my treadmill and said "Great. As if I don't have enough problems, I have a boys spying on me. I don't need your concern." I yelled at him. I jumped off the treadmill and left. I left my gym bag and run out the door for the woods. 

"Kat?" He called, following. 

"Leave me alone" I hissed and ran faster. Of course he had only just gotten to the gym and I had been running for awhile. And I think he is also faster. But I still beat him to the woods. 

Once I was there the advantage was mine. I races through the trees, weaving and jumping brush. I heard him run into the wild rose I had just ran into and curse. 

But I just kept running. 

And running

I'd cried in front of him before, when I had boxed until my hands bled. I'd been weak in front of him before when I almost dropped my tea cup.

I hate being weak in front of anyone. Even my friends. This guy had only been here a month and so far he had seen me just about every time I had cried. 

I wanted everyone to think I was strong. To see the girl I wanted them to see. Not the girl I was hiding. Everyone is weak sometimes, But I never wanted anyone to see. 

I kept running. 

Eventually, I heard him drop behind. I kept going a little longer. The forest was quiet. he must have given up and left. Maybe he realized now that I was weak. That I wanted to be alone. 

Even more I was afraid he would realized that I was alone. And that deep down,  I didn't want to be. 

I stopped by the stream. 

And cried. 

And cried.

I was NOT ok. 

But nobody could ever know that.

Nobody could know. 



I heard a rustle behind me and glanced back. Alec came out of the trees. His jeans were ripped from the roses and his legs were beginning to bleed. Too late I realized I couldn't run. I couldn't hide the tears. I was in a sitting position and he was too close. 

I decided to stall and distract him. I stood up. 
"Your legs are bleeding" I said, hoping to make him look down. Instead he said
"So are your arms" 
I glanced down. "I hadn't noticed" My voice cracked. 

"You don't notice. That's the problem. You just keep pushing yourself." He looked angry. 

"Im fine"

"stop lying"

A squirrel came out of the brush just then and I turned to look at it. I knew that would attract his attention. Cracking sound and me looking. Perfect. He turned and in that instant I ran again. 

But I didn't make it very far. He had longer legs and he was fresh. Plus he's a spy. He caught me before I had even crossed the clearing. He grabbed me around the arm and forcibly picked my feet up off the ground a few inches. 

I kicked back, trying to hurt him. To make him let me go. I wiggled as much as I could. Finally I managed to wrap my feet back around behind his legs and I applied pressure to the back of his knees. 

I had hoped that when he fell, he would let me go. He didn't. Now we were both lying on the ground and he was still holding me. I couldn't get free. 

I was so angry with myself. For being weak. For being stupid. For getting caught. I cried without meaning to and I was angry about that too. I cried and cried. . I hated myself for not crying silently, I hated the giant racking sobbing breaths I took. I know he could feel them. I could feel him breathing calm, in and out. 

Finally I couldn't cry anymore. I was limp. I hated myself for being weak. Alec no longer had no restrain me. I couldn't go anywhere. 

After awhile, Alec sat me up and we sat on the mossy ground. He kept one arm around me and turned slightly toward me. I couldn't escape. I pulled up my knees and rested my head on one of them, looking away from Alec. From the boy who'd bested me. From the boy who'd caught ME in the forest. On my ground. 

From the boy who'd seen my at my worst.

"Ok" He said after awhile "Tell me" 

"Why do you care." I croaked 

"I want to know"

"Why" I demanded, turning to look at him.  

"Because I care. Because if you don't you;ll just keep running yourself into the ground" 

I told him. I told him everything. I told him the things I ha never told anyone. Not even Jess and Lily. Not even my Mom. 

Half way through I started to cry again. Oops. Looks like I can still cry. 

He pulled my against him into a hug and I found myself leaning against his chest. I finished, pouring out my soul to this boy. 
He just sat there, with his chin on my head.

After awhile he asked me, "Ok, I'm going to let you go now. Promise not to run?" 

I nodded. There was no reason to run. Nothing to hide, besides myself (which was still very ashamed of crying my heart out in front of him) I washed my arms in the creek and Alec got most of the blood off his jeans. I don't normally wear any makeup, so there was nothing it fix. I just washed my face in the cold creek to get rid of the tear streaks. 

I went to stand and almost fell over. Alec caught me. And we began to walk back. 

I was silent most of the way back. Alec talked about his family and other things. I wasn't really listening. When we were almost back in sight of the mansion, I put on a fake smile (It totally looked real.) and laughed, like I was having the time of my life.

"Kat" Alec said, looking concerned "You don't have to do that" 

I broke off my fake smile for a second and told him "Yes I do" 

-K