Nope. Not Cas.

The kitchen is running fairly smoothly. I had a bit of trouble with one of the Junior boys, but literally every girl in there turned and glared at him and silently threatened him with whatever they had near them (Knives, frying pans, mops, serving trays, cheese graters and cucumbers) and he shut up.

I'm not sure how I did it, but I haven't broken down and started crying in front of everyone yet, so I think I'm doing pretty good. Not emotionally, I mean acting wise.

We got fairly good news. Dad called back in, but now that the kitchen thing is on my shoulders... I haven't gotten a moment of emotional peace.

I'm just very, very stressed out. So today, I happily, but a little tiredly waved everyone out of the kitchen and started to work on the menu for the next week.

But I couldn't focus, so I left.

There are these tiny little balconies off the library and that's where I went, slipping out the doors and letting the white curtains slide shut behind me.

The summer breeze is very calming, and normally that's all I need to calm myself down. Sit outside, breathe and look at the stars.

But not tonight. I ended up curled in a little ball, knees tucked to my chest, crying.

Sometimes you just need to get tears out of your system, so I sat and cried as silently as I could. I was just about finished when I heard footsteps behind me and the curtains swishing open.

Great.

 I sighed and said "I'm really not in the mood."

Nothing.

"I'm fine, Cas. I just don't want to talk about it."

"Fine." A voice that was diffidently NOT Cas said. "I'll just stand here."

I whipped my head around. Alex. Bloody Alex.

Crud..

Well, it kind of was too late to hide the fact that I was sobbing by myself, but I tried.

"Oh, hey!" I said, in a fairly normal voice, which would have been extremely convincing if my throat wasn't clogged up and if mascara wasn't running down my face.
"What are you doing? What do you think of my crying? I've been practicing FOREVER to get it right. It's so hard to get the sniffle right, you know...." I probably would have kept babbling on, but Alex snapped "Would you cut the crap? Since when have you had to pretend around me?"

The happy but very fake smile dropped away, but it wasn't Sad Me that appeared.
"Since you lied to me, tricked me and had me tortured?"

"First of all, it was interrogation, NOT torture..."I snorted but he kept going "And second, it was training, Nobody got hurt...."

"I've got split lip selfies that tell a different story."

"That wasn't supposed to happen. Kat, I wouldn't hurt you...."

"Can you even hear yourself?" I screeched. "You lied and acted to get close to me, and then used everything you had learned against me."

"I wasn't even in charge of your interrogation process! What are you getting mad at me for?"

"You had no idea what they were doing with me? Then why did you have the bloody fake split lip?"

"That? That was for one of the other girls. The dark haired senior who  doesn't like seeing other people getting hurt. Why? What does that have to do with you?"

"Idiot" was all I said as I went to walk past him. He grabbed my arm and asked. "What? What is that supposed to mean?"

I face burned. There was no way I was going to tell him that they had used him against me. And that it had worked.  "If you care so much, go look at the security videos."
Startled, just stood there as I jerked my arm free and walked away. "But don't worry. It won't work ever again."  I called over my shoulder and walked out of the library.

I couldn't go back to my room, not like this. So I walked down and out the front door and went for a quick run in the woods. When I left, Alex was still standing in the balcony door way.

-K

Nobody Even Sees Me

My parents still haven't called back in.
Nothing is certain yet. There is still hope they'll make it back to us.

If not....how will I tell my brother?


All these students, trained to observe and to notice, can't see what I'm feeling.
What I'm going through.

But then again I suppose I've been trained to hide my feelings.

Cas knows. After we met each other, trying to hide out tears in one of the not so secret tunnels, we told each other our problems
My missing parents and her dead mother and her still grieving father.

Her mother, an excellent spy, died of cancer a few years ago. Her father has been trying to work though his grief by constantly working.
He's forgotten his daughter is grieving too.

Another person who notices is Alex.
It's just like last time.


Except there will never be a time like last time.
Last time,
He was just a boy. A boy who understood what I was going through. A boy that was there for me.

But then he betrayed me.
He broke my trust.

I can never trust him again.

And sometimes I have to remind myself of that. Sometimes I glance over at him and see him looking so concerned and worried, I have to remind myself to stay away.
I have to tell myself not to trust him.

Not again.

I don't need my heart broken again.

-K

Madame D's Surprise.

A tea party.

Of course.

We split into two groups, half pretended to be servants half pretended to be gentry. And then we switched. Of course we all had cover stories.

I was a servant for the first round. Jess was gentry. Alex was "gentry" too.
I tried to tell D'aja to go around a serve Alex's side of the table, but she didn't see me and went around the other way.

Drat.

So I went around the table, pouring tea and smiling.
"More tea?" I asked Alex politely.
"Yes, please."
I leaned over him and started pouring.
"You're smiling." he said
"Yes."
"Do you like me again?"
"No. I'm acting." I said and turned to leave.
"That's not your fake smile."
I turned back. "Maybe that was my real smile. Maybe this is my fake smile. Maybe it was all an act. Maybe you don't know me as well as you think. I sure as hell don't know you as well as I thought."

And I left.

He kept trying to catch my eye, but I ignored him.

Round Two:
Alex made sure he was serving my side of the table. How un-clandestine. I thought. When he came around he whispered " Kat. Please, I...."
"Just pour the tea and get away from me." I growled.
"I ...." he started again.
I discretely spilled my tea cup. Golden brown liquid soaked into the white table cloth and spilled onto my school uniform. I whipped at it with a napkin.
"Oh! You clumsy fool!" I screeched at him. D'aja, who was playing hostess told Alex to leave. He shot me a look, trying to read my expression. I looked away, toward the boy on my left. In the reflection of my spoon, I could see Alex watching me  from his place along the wall.

I think I made my point

-K
\

Let It Go

I was in the library in my favorite window seat with a fuzzy blanket.

You'd think I'd be happy.

I'm not

But I'm pretty good at hiding it.

Everyone was gone. The Mansion empty.

Everyone was given a free pass to town, and the students were out in force. The girls hadn't been out in weeks. All the boy-girl couples were out doing stuff.

I could afford to cry.

But as soon as I started, Alec came around the corner with two cups of tea.

He handed one to me.

"What's wrong?"
I didn't answer so he said  "Come on. Either tell me what's wrong, or stop moping."

I faked smiled.

"Nope" He said and he grabbed my free hand and pulled me up. "No fake smiling"

"How can you tell?" I asked as he pulled me across the room. If he told me I could change that...

He smirked. "Not telling" He led me to the couch and told me to sit down. So I did.

"We're watching a movie" He told me. "What do you want to watch?"

"Frozen." I said, wanting him to argue. To get bored as soon as it started and leave. Instead he said "I've never seen it. Should be interesting." and sat down next to me.

So we watched Frozen. It was really funny to watch his face. Seriously, I don't need to watch the movie. I've seen it a million time.

How he smiled when Anna and Elsa were playing.
How sad he looked when Elsa hurt Anna. When Anna was by herself.
How he looked at me in concern when Elsa was trapped in her room, alone,
How he laughed at Olaf
How he wanted to kill Hans....

Yes. In fact he muttered some not very nice things under his breath. Grandma Beatrice would have washed his mouth out with soap.

A lot of soap.

But Grandma didn't know Portuguese, so....

It made me smile. For real. I laughed and he turned an gave me that half smile (Do guys know how sexy that is? Well, it looked even better on him) and said "Mission Accomplished"

We ended up watching a lot of Disney movies: Tangled, Brave, Atlantis, Mulan....

-K

I'm Not OK (Again) (Still)

If you want to run in the morning before class, you have to get up pretty early. If you want to run, take a 3 minute shower and eat...well you have to get up that much earlier. Since I prefer not to stink all day (also I love my food) I get up pretty early.

During the spring and fall I run outside, but it is WAY to dark out to go run, so I run on the treadmills in the P&E Barn. Not a lot of other people run, so normally I am alone.

It's kind of funny. I have never seen a 8th grader or Freshman. It's mostly Juniors and Seniors. I have only seen  two Sophomores who show up everyday: Alec and Will. He is the one that got stabbed with a pencil. Surprisingly, he was a really good sport about the whole video thing. He jokes about it making him famous and if they were allowed to  post it to Youtube he would be a internet celebrity! In fact he joke about a lot of things. 

Anyway, I got up extra early to go run, in hopes that  I could have the barn to myself. Even though it's Saturday, and we don't have class, I still wanted to work. force of habit and all. Also Alice is putting on a Movie Marathon and if I'm going to sit on my butt all day I should go the extra mile. 

I didn't get the whole barn to myself in case your wondering. There was a random senior. We both joked about our hopes of quiet being crushed and then silently got to work. Every once and awhile we would jokingly call out and ask if the other was finished. Can I have the barn to myself now? 

 I saw Alec was coming. Ok, I'm sorry, but it's so awkward around him. 

While I'm pretty good at hiding my feelings, but he's seen me at my worst. I'd been avoiding him. I didn't need his concern. I didn't want to remind him of how cracked  I felt then.

Luckily the senior dude is here. So it's not weird.

Then the senior left. 

Crap

For awhile we ran in silence. 

Then he asked

"Hey are you ok?" 

Am I ok? My parents are still gone. I still have all the other problems I had earlier. I just have them under control better. 

Plus I am alone with Alec. 

"What makes you think I'm not ok?" 

"Your acting like you were earlier." 

I grabbed my towel off my treadmill and said "Great. As if I don't have enough problems, I have a boys spying on me. I don't need your concern." I yelled at him. I jumped off the treadmill and left. I left my gym bag and run out the door for the woods. 

"Kat?" He called, following. 

"Leave me alone" I hissed and ran faster. Of course he had only just gotten to the gym and I had been running for awhile. And I think he is also faster. But I still beat him to the woods. 

Once I was there the advantage was mine. I races through the trees, weaving and jumping brush. I heard him run into the wild rose I had just ran into and curse. 

But I just kept running. 

And running

I'd cried in front of him before, when I had boxed until my hands bled. I'd been weak in front of him before when I almost dropped my tea cup.

I hate being weak in front of anyone. Even my friends. This guy had only been here a month and so far he had seen me just about every time I had cried. 

I wanted everyone to think I was strong. To see the girl I wanted them to see. Not the girl I was hiding. Everyone is weak sometimes, But I never wanted anyone to see. 

I kept running. 

Eventually, I heard him drop behind. I kept going a little longer. The forest was quiet. he must have given up and left. Maybe he realized now that I was weak. That I wanted to be alone. 

Even more I was afraid he would realized that I was alone. And that deep down,  I didn't want to be. 

I stopped by the stream. 

And cried. 

And cried.

I was NOT ok. 

But nobody could ever know that.

Nobody could know. 



I heard a rustle behind me and glanced back. Alec came out of the trees. His jeans were ripped from the roses and his legs were beginning to bleed. Too late I realized I couldn't run. I couldn't hide the tears. I was in a sitting position and he was too close. 

I decided to stall and distract him. I stood up. 
"Your legs are bleeding" I said, hoping to make him look down. Instead he said
"So are your arms" 
I glanced down. "I hadn't noticed" My voice cracked. 

"You don't notice. That's the problem. You just keep pushing yourself." He looked angry. 

"Im fine"

"stop lying"

A squirrel came out of the brush just then and I turned to look at it. I knew that would attract his attention. Cracking sound and me looking. Perfect. He turned and in that instant I ran again. 

But I didn't make it very far. He had longer legs and he was fresh. Plus he's a spy. He caught me before I had even crossed the clearing. He grabbed me around the arm and forcibly picked my feet up off the ground a few inches. 

I kicked back, trying to hurt him. To make him let me go. I wiggled as much as I could. Finally I managed to wrap my feet back around behind his legs and I applied pressure to the back of his knees. 

I had hoped that when he fell, he would let me go. He didn't. Now we were both lying on the ground and he was still holding me. I couldn't get free. 

I was so angry with myself. For being weak. For being stupid. For getting caught. I cried without meaning to and I was angry about that too. I cried and cried. . I hated myself for not crying silently, I hated the giant racking sobbing breaths I took. I know he could feel them. I could feel him breathing calm, in and out. 

Finally I couldn't cry anymore. I was limp. I hated myself for being weak. Alec no longer had no restrain me. I couldn't go anywhere. 

After awhile, Alec sat me up and we sat on the mossy ground. He kept one arm around me and turned slightly toward me. I couldn't escape. I pulled up my knees and rested my head on one of them, looking away from Alec. From the boy who'd bested me. From the boy who'd caught ME in the forest. On my ground. 

From the boy who'd seen my at my worst.

"Ok" He said after awhile "Tell me" 

"Why do you care." I croaked 

"I want to know"

"Why" I demanded, turning to look at him.  

"Because I care. Because if you don't you;ll just keep running yourself into the ground" 

I told him. I told him everything. I told him the things I ha never told anyone. Not even Jess and Lily. Not even my Mom. 

Half way through I started to cry again. Oops. Looks like I can still cry. 

He pulled my against him into a hug and I found myself leaning against his chest. I finished, pouring out my soul to this boy. 
He just sat there, with his chin on my head.

After awhile he asked me, "Ok, I'm going to let you go now. Promise not to run?" 

I nodded. There was no reason to run. Nothing to hide, besides myself (which was still very ashamed of crying my heart out in front of him) I washed my arms in the creek and Alec got most of the blood off his jeans. I don't normally wear any makeup, so there was nothing it fix. I just washed my face in the cold creek to get rid of the tear streaks. 

I went to stand and almost fell over. Alec caught me. And we began to walk back. 

I was silent most of the way back. Alec talked about his family and other things. I wasn't really listening. When we were almost back in sight of the mansion, I put on a fake smile (It totally looked real.) and laughed, like I was having the time of my life.

"Kat" Alec said, looking concerned "You don't have to do that" 

I broke off my fake smile for a second and told him "Yes I do" 

-K

I'm fine

I wore long sleeve that covered my hand this morning to hide my raw knuckles. 

Luckily, my friends are a little...distracted...by the boys. 

The only one who noticed was Alec. Bloody Alec. 

Why is he always around embarrassing me. I hate it when people see me when I'm low. When I'm sad, crying, sick etc. 

I. bloody. hate. it.

Anyway, I walked down with my friends, and got in line for waffles. I love waffles. 

I was fine carrying my plate of waffles, but as I was walking over to the tables, I shifted the hand I was holding my coffee mug in. 

The hot mug touched my hand and I gasped. 

And released the mug.

Then Alec caught it. 

I kept my eyes down as I muttered "Thank you". I don't know what would have been worse,  Alec having to catch my mug, or it shattering onto the ground and making everyone look. Maybe then they would have noticed what a mess I am right now. I took a deep breathe and looked up. 

I forced a perfect smile. "Thank You" I said, a little louder this time and reached out my hand for the mug. Which of course showed my hand. Dang it. 

He gave me a look with his sad deep brown eyes, but he said in a normal voice "No. That's fine. I'll get it." 

I saw Jess and Lily sitting with David and Pitt. I don't mean just at the same table. 

I mean the two boys and the girls were sitting in the four person spot that the three of us normally sat at. 

What? Seriously? It's been one day!

I must have snorted or something. 

You Ok? Alec asked

I flashed him a smile that could fool Natasha Romanoff. 

"What? No I'm fine" 

"Kat..." He said

"I'm fine!" I growled through my now not so realistic smile

I walked straight and true to the table and slid into a seat.

"Hey guys! What are you up to?" I asked in a peppy voice, ignoring Alec as he slid into the seat beside  me.

Then I listened to their happy babble and tuned out a little, smiling and eating my waffles. 

But the strawberries didn't taste as good today and my coffee tasted bitter. 

P&E Wasn't much better

I sparred with Alec today. We practiced our moves, which were pretty simple today. Luckily, I normally fight with my legs. 

"Kat" Alec said, as he dodged a blow "you can hold back if you want. It's ok if your..." 

He was distracted while he talked and I switched from leg sweeps and high kicks to a good punch in the face. Then I drove him back with a flurry of blows. I tripped him as he walked backwards. 

I leaned over him as he lay on his back  and said "I am a Gallagher Girl. I. Do. Not. Back. OFF"

I held out my hand and smiled my fake smile that everyone but he and I thought was real. 

"Go again?" I said

"Yeah" He nodded and stood up. We started sparring again and he got in a surprise blow. It was actually a pretty cools move. He swept my legs out form under me, pinned my arm behind my back and knelt at the same time, forcing me to one knee on the ground, my arm twisted behind me. I knew how to get out of this position, but I was seething that he had gotten me into it. 

He smirked at me and said "You could try" and before I could twist out of my position, he let he go.

Sadly, then the P&E lesson was over  before I got a chance to kick him again. 

"I'm fine!" I hissed as I gathered by gym bag from it's spot by the wall. 

"It's just a bloody knuckle. You don't have to be so bloody concerned!" 

And I turned and stared at him. He just looked back with those concerned brown eyes. I felt myself loosing this starring contest, so I rolled my eye, pretending to be annoyed, and  ran to catch up with my friends. 

-K