Broken Trust

This morning I did my run, and headed to the P&E Barn. I hadn't boxed in awhile, and I could let off some steam. There's the problem with Cas, and the tension in the dorm.

Anyway, so I started boxing. I was playing a fun little game where I listen to a song, and box until the song is over. Then I take a quick couple minute break and repeat. I was doing the second round when Alex walked in.

It is really easy to loose focus on your surroundings when your wearing earbuds, but I am a trained  spy you know, and situational awareness is something we work on constantly. But I kept my face natural, like I didn't even notice him. Hiding emotions in one of my specialties.

The gym was empty and he stepped up to a nearby heavy bag and started boxing. I could see him glanced over once and awhile, but I never turned his way. I didn't even say hi.

If I had wanted him to think that I was completely over it, I would have glanced over once when he walked in, then gone back to ignoring him.  

But I didn't. I gave him a cold shoulder. I totally and utterly shunned him. The only time I reacted to him at all was when he turned and said hi.

I didn't even look his way. I just picked up my phone and turned the volume up.
(sadly, listening to music is one of the few things I can do on my phone.)

I'm 95% certain he saw me turn it up. I saw him wilt a little in the reflection of my water bottle.

Good.

I kept ignoring him until the end of that round. Then I stopped and calmly started packing everything up. I kept my ear buds in the whole time. I finished by wrapping my earbuds around my phone.

Alex stopped and walked over.

"Kat..."
"What?" I said, turning sharply on my heel and crossing my arms. "What could you possibly have to say to me?"

"I said I'm sorry. Why do you still hate me?" he asked

"First of all," I said, in an angry clipped voice "I don't hate you."
He looked a little relived and I went on. "I'm disappointed. In you, and in me. Why did I even trust you?"

"Kat..."

"I trusted you." my voice broke a little here, but I was stronger when I said "That's a mistake I won't make again."

Then I turned on my heel and walked away.

-K

I'm A Mess

I guess you really want to hear about how the day went. Well, even the girls who are a little boy crazy ....well, we're Gallagher Girls. We're kind of...competitive. 

I've never seen such intense P&E  workouts. 

Maybe some of these girl think they look cuter if they're kicking someones butt. 

Maybe they just don't want to be shown up by some boy

I trained the same as I always do. I worked hard, but only hard enough to learn the move. Then I trained hard later that afternoon, when everyone else was busy.

We may be supposed to work with these boys, but there is no reason to show them more then I have to. 

Never give out free information.

But at the same time, I didn't let anyone take me down. I worked as hard as I needed to. I haven't sparred with any boys today. And the Culture and Assimilation class wasn't on anything to embarrassing.  That was nice of Madame D. 

I'm kind of exhausted. I still miss my parents. I don't know when they're are coming back. I miss them. I thought it would be better with everyone there. 

It isn't. The sun was going down and everyone was inside by the fire studying or watching TV. I snuck out to the barn and began to box. I worked and worked until I got into a flow, tears flowing freely down my face. I only broke out of my trance when my knuckles began to bleed. I dropped and began to do push ups until my stomach felt sick. 

I sat for a minute, breathing heavily. I was planning to go run in the woods, along the path. The dark didn't bother me. I opened the door and saw the rain pouring down. 

"To run or not to run?" I asked, my voice cracking. "I can't come in soaking wet, but I feel like a could use a run in the rain." 

"You don't look like you need to go out in the rain." Alec drawled from his spot in the loft. He was sitting with his back against the wall. A book lay across his lap. 

At times today, I was glad I had gotten Alec. Or Alec had gotten me. Whatever. 

But right now I was spitting mad. This was MY TIME. I clearly wanted to be alone. Why can't he let me be? 

I could have said something witty. Or cutting. Or things that would have made Madame D  (and Liz and my Mom ) wash my mouth out with soap. But instead I fixed him with an evil glare. I stared at him. He looked down, calmly meeting my eyes. 

I turned on my heel and fled. I walked stiffly out the door, but as soon as I was out of sight and hearing I ran. I ran back to the house, snuck up the back stairs to my room and turned on the bath water. Only then, with the  bathroom door locked, did I stop and look in the mirror. 

Mascara ran down my tear lined face, and my  knuckles knuckles bleeding over my clenched hands. 

I'm a mess.


I felt a little better once I had taken a hot bath. But I wasn't at peace with myself when I fell asleep that night.